Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday the 13th


I can't help but feel sorry for director Marcus Nispel. He did a great job with the remake of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE so my expectations were high for his reboot of the 13th franchise. Sadly, it looks like there were too many machetes in the kitchen because we have three films at work here.
Think of the already mentioned TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake meeting FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 and a GIRLS GONE WILD VIDEO and this is pretty much what we have here. Let's get this out of the way, this is not a remake of the first, it is a reworking of the second Jason film, and this version pretty much opens the same way as the original Part 2 with Nana Visitor doing a nice cameo. Shoot to modern day as it were and we have a situation similar to the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake in that like zombies running we have a new Jason hauling some serious ass to capture his prey with the old burlap sack on the head just as in the original. After dispatching of the crew in the magic dope field, yes, a dope field which makes you wonder if ol' Jason doesn't partake of the ganja in which case it's no wonder why he's out there hacking folks up as they be trying to pilfer his crop but I digress. Enter a guy looking for his missing sister and a group of university students you'll just be itching to see done in and this brings us to the unfortunate boring part of the film which I had hoped they wouldn't have bothered with. Then we get the best scene of the film where the stunning Willa Ford goes water skiing topless. Now, nevermind the fact this lady is one viciously gorgeous looker, the cinematography in this sequence is joking, looks like something shot for Playboy and it continues right through to her sadly "too early in the film for my liking" demise which is by far the best death in the entire film. From there we see attempts at exploring the Jason character where we see his childhood room and trophies and such in an attempt to justify why Jason can put an arrow through some dude's eyeball from a friggin' mile away. Then we find out the sister is still alive and kept in an underground mine (can anybody say MY BLOODY VALENTINE?????) shaft where Jason has been disposing of bodies, cars, what have you and this is where we venture into TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE territory and then the other folks get it...blah blah blah, throw in a sex scene, a goofy scene (well executed by Aaron Yoo of recent DISTURBIA fame) a gun happy yuppie wannabe, a wasted chance to use a bug zapper as a killing device, and then a finale involving an industrial wood chipper. I'll stop to examine this because the end is just bloody stupid, Jason, who by the way keeps house, has runnning electricity an no doubt somewhere in his house has a box of fuckin' Cheerios, should have been toast at this point...but nooooooo...they somehow salvage the body enough (yeah, the head is still there but we never get a good look at his face) to throw it in the lake along with his hockey mask (yeah, he finds that in the middle of the film) and then we get the ol' Jason comes flying out of the lake trick we've all seen before.
Are you getting my point here? In case you missed it, this movie is all over the place and never does decide what it wants to be. What it is not is loaded with gore. What is the point of making a slasher pic and then skimping on the splat which perhaps they are saving for the special DVD or something which leads me to the conclusion you should save your money and wait for it to hit your local rental shop.
Then again, there is that Willa Ford scene................


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