Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Reptile

This Hammer film was released the year I was born but it wasn't until I was ten when I would come across it and to say it changed my life would be a severe understatement, in fact, this film perhaps did more damage to me than any other I've ever encountered. For starters we have picture itself which deals with the sultry Jaqueline Pearce, who still looks stunning I might add, turning into a friggin' big ass snake creature when some Indian dude starts playing the ol' ju-ju flute and I ain't talkin' about no trouser piccolo either! Of course said big ass snake creature then goes running about biting poor dudes on the neck which causes them to go all bug-eyes and frothing at the mouth and shit and....well...you can see where I'm going with this and needless to say these unfortunate saps who get bitten die a horrid and painful death and sure as hell don't look pretty doing it and then old Jackie Pearce goes unsnake like and has a good night's sleep. Now, you don't have to be Sigmund fucking Freud to figure out what this did to did to my prepubescent mind and though it would be a few years before I would start chasing big busted Hammer type chickies and frothing at the mouth whilst doing so you can bet your sweet ass it didn't take me long to discover most of them DO turn into big ass biting snake thingies who will leave you to a painful demise. Oh, did I write that out loud? This is of course was all in my head but as teenage dating is stressful and precarious enough at best you can just well imagine what it's like when you have Roy Ashton's fried egg reptile bitch lumbering in the back of your skull!
To make matters even worse, as I was leaving the matinee, part of a triple feature at the Oxford Theatre in Halifax for those of you who MIGHT have been there, IF YOU LEAVE ME NOW by Chicago was playing on the radio at the popcorn stand where some amply breasted young nubile was working away which caused a mental schism I've yet to shake being anytime I hear that damn song all I can picture is a young busty blond in a repulsive brown striped concession counter uniform turning into the snake bitch from the REPTILE film !
I'm 42 and I still can't shake this problem which is so bad I couldn't even look Peter Cetera in the eye when I met him several years back!
As for the film itself, despite the damage it has done, it remains my favorite of ALL the Hammer productions and still delivers as a atmospheric Gothic thriller....just a shame old Sherlock Holmes wasn't there to sort the mess out before I had to see the snake bitch and be mentally screwed forever!


Blogger mister anchovy said...

That is one fantastic film review!

8:00 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home